Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Hi, everyone. Let's talk about sex.
[00:00:02] I'm Dr. Laura Prescott, Associate professor for the Clinical PsyD Program at the Chicago School of Los Angeles.
[00:00:11] As Rihanna says in her song S and M, sticks and stones may break my bones, but chains and whips excite me.
[00:00:19] Many of you have heard either this song or have heard something about bdsm, but may either be curious or may have heard some things that are a little misleading or may just want to know.
[00:00:32] So today is kind of dedicated to basics and helping you understand a little bit of fundamentals to get you started with bdsm. The first thing to note is that the acronym BDSM is really three mini acronyms in one.
[00:00:46] The B and the D stand for bondage and discipline. Bondage, of course, referring to restraining, and discipline, referring to, you know, rewarding or punishing somebody who is submissive for doing certain things. The D and the S in the middle stand for dominance and submission.
[00:01:03] So, of course, dominance, having power over one, controlling someone, and submission, being controlled, or having someone dominate, or having power over you. The S and the M at the end stand for sadism and masochism. Sometimes it can also stand for slave and master, but usually it stands for sadism and masochism. And the sadism is with regards to liking, causing pain to others. The masochism is liking it when someone causes pain to you. So BDSM can actually include a wide variety of things. It's not just about beatings or floggings or that kind of stuff, but even things that you may not think about. For example, many people have tried blindfolds.
[00:01:43] That counts. Or handcuffs, handcuffing somebody the bed or making sure that they can't always move. That counts. Like bdsm, it's also called kink. And people who practice it also like to call themselves kinky.
[00:01:57] It's often portrayed inaccurately. And one of the things that people in the community tend to dislike, or at least tell me they dislike, is 50 Shades of Grey. There were several issues with that, and one of them is that it kind of puts a negative spin on why people enter the lifestyle in the first place.
[00:02:16] One of the main characters, Christian Grey, actually was abused.
[00:02:21] Had sexual abuse happen to him. He was a survivor, and he kind of went into it basically to work out that trauma. And usually that's not why people enter the BDSM community. People typically are very healthy psychologically, sometimes even better in terms of health and psychological health than people who don't engage in bdsm. So that was one thing, but also There were some other issues with the show and the books that didn't quite portray things accurately.
[00:02:48] BDSM can be a 247 thing. So you can be a dom and a sub living together like that forever when you come home from work with. Or it could just be you're playing out scenes or role plays and the roles that you can have. So I mentioned dom and sub. DOM for dominant. A person who always kind of likes to be the top or the one dominating in control. The sub or submissive. And a switch. A switch is somebody who likes both. Sometimes they may want to be the dom, sometimes they may want to be the sub. But hey, they're up for anything. A key thing to remember with BDSM is, is that it needs to be safe, sane and consensual.
[00:03:26] Safe, of course, knowing that you are sometimes hurting a person and you have to make sure that you don't hurt them irreparably or to cause severe injury.
[00:03:36] Sane, again, the opposite of what some portrayals say. You really should be psychologically healthy to engage in this.
[00:03:43] And consensual, that's a huge important component. You don't want to force this on somebody who doesn't want it.
[00:03:51] And actually, when you do, that can become something that's clinical territory, that can become a diagnosis, can become unhealthy.
[00:03:59] So make sure to always practice with somebody who is consenting.
[00:04:03] Typically, people who want to engage will start by doing a contract or negotiation. Here's the things that you want to do in a scene, or here's the things that you definitely never want to do. Here's the boundaries you have, here's the fantasies you have.
[00:04:20] Really get all that laid out first. And sometimes people really do have a contract for this.
[00:04:25] Also have a safe word. The best kind of a safe word is something that's not like stop or don't. Something that won't normally come up during a roleplay, like pineapple. I keep on seeing this funny meme going around that says your safe word should be meatloaf, because you'd do anything for love, but you wouldn't do that.
[00:04:47] So do check ins when you do a scene. Make sure that you're, of course checking in constantly. Make sure the person is emotionally okay, and do some aftercare. People can be very vulnerable after a scene. Make sure that they're doing okay emotionally and physically. BDSM is not abuse. And of course, one of the main differences is that consent piece. Also with abuse, there is no negotiating, there's no boundaries, there's no contract. There's no checking in, there's no aftercare.
[00:05:13] So again it's something that people in the community struggle with with regards to stigma because people may walk in on something and think oh no and they may not understand what's going on. Sadism and masochism can become to the point of a clinical disorder if a few things happen.
[00:05:30] One is obviously if you're doing it with somebody who's not consenting but another is if it causes clinically significant distress which or if it causes significant impairment in functioning in relationships. So again sadism and masochism can come to a point where they are clinically relevant but fortunately people in the community are pretty good about being bouncers and throwing those people out if they do try to infiltrate a community or a play party or a dungeon.
[00:05:58] So the community does look out for itself pretty well. That's all for today.
[00:06:02] Once again this is Dr. Laura Prescott Associate professor for the Clinical PsyD Program at the Chicago School of Los Angeles. Thanks for tuning in.
