Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Hi everyone. Let's talk about sex.
[00:00:02] I'm Dr. Laura Prescott, Associate professor for the Clinical PsyD Program at the Chicago School of Los Angeles. Today we're going to talk about poor body image and the effects that this can have on people's sex lives.
[00:00:16] Poor body image, of course, is something that can happen to anyone, any gender.
[00:00:22] It's typically most often seen in women, but of course it can happen to anyone. And it's usually in the form of thoughts that pop through your head or your stream of conscious while you're trying to have a sexual activity. There's many different effects that this can have on your sex life. One is with regards to frequency of sex. So if you're having a bunch of anxious thoughts in your head about your body image and what you don't like about it, you may not want to have sex as often because it's just a difficult experience.
[00:00:51] So this is one possible way that it can influence your sex life. The second effect is with regards to quality of sex, if you're distracted in your head, you're not really able to be in the moment fully, you're not really able to pay attention to the sensations you're experiencing, you're not really able to enjoy the sex as much. You're not really as able to be attentive to your partner. So these are other things that can happen when those thoughts are going through your head. The third effect that this can have is avoiding certain things with regards to sex.
[00:01:22] For example, some people are really worried about how they may appear in certain sexual positions and they may avoid those sexual positions because they're just worried about how they look.
[00:01:34] They may also want to just have sex under the covers, or they may want to have sex just in the dark, never in the light. There's several different reasons for people having these body image issues.
[00:01:46] One is with regards to society. So in our society, there are all kinds of things. Technology lets us see multiple images daily on the Internet, all kinds of things on tv, and a lot of these images are not very accurate portrayals of what humans look like in normal life.
[00:02:05] Everything's been photoshopped like crazy. Even people who aren't models, just day to day posting on Facebook use filters. There's even a thing called Facetune where you can edit what your facial features look like. It's so hard to tell what's real and what's fake online and in magazines and all kinds of things. So it's really easy to get worried and get yourself stuck in that cycle thinking, oh no, I don't look like these images, what's wrong with me?
[00:02:33] And so that's one major reason why our society has this effect on people.
[00:02:45] The second reason is with regards to family. Oftentimes with regards to growing up, family members can be overly critical of their children or other extended family. And this can lead to body image issues.
[00:02:59] Especially if somebody is going through puberty and having natural normal changes and somebody's being overly picky about that. These can be internalized. These thoughts and criticisms can be internalized and can come out later when you're trying to have sex.
[00:03:18] A third typical reason is rejection. And rejection can happen in any form. It could happen being bullied in school, being picked on for looking a certain way or being a certain way, up to romantic rejections.
[00:03:33] Sometimes those happen based on appearance related reasons or even just normal romantic rejections that aren't necessarily appearance related can still take a toll. There are several things that therapists can look at. When somebody comes in to a therapist's office and has issues about body image and those are affecting their sex lives.
[00:03:52] First thing the therapist might want to do is explore some of these reasons, like the ones I mentioned earlier, and see why this person has poor body im.
[00:04:02] The person may not understand why they have the poor body image. They may be unaware or even if they are aware. It's helpful to discuss these things with a caring and supportive professional so that you can both work towards a solution together. The second thing a therapist can do is help somebody decrease their negative self talk.
[00:04:23] That's these thoughts that pop into your head. And a cognitive behavioral therapist would call these automatic thoughts. So those are those thoughts that just pop into your head and you can't control them. And one of the typical kinds of thoughts that pop through people's heads is mind reading. And my journey is when you think you know what the other person is thinking about you, but really you can't read their mind. You don't know.
[00:04:47] An example would be if during sex you're thinking, oh, you know, he's thinking that my breasts are too small, or oh no, he's thinking that I'm just lying here and not doing anything.
[00:05:00] You know, those are kinds of thoughts that can pop through somebody's head and obviously it's mind reading. You really don't know what the other person is thinking. But it's hard to get rid of those thoughts. Working with a therapist can help catch those thoughts as they come up, and the therapist can help think of rational ways for you to respond to those thoughts. Third thing A therapist can do with a client is teach mindfulness. Remember how earlier we talked about these thoughts pop in and they have effects on your sex life because you're not in the moment. You're not fully there. You're just in your head. Mindful mindfulness means being fully present in the moment, being involved in the now.
[00:05:37] You may have heard of some tricks that can be used to train mindfulness. For example, picking up a pen that's on a desk and really using your senses to describe that pen. What does it feel like in your hand? What does it smell like? Do you hear anything? Is anything rattling around in the pen?
[00:05:54] Really using all of your senses to see what's going on in the present moment.
[00:05:59] You can do that during sex, too. Using your senses during sex. How is this feeling right now when you're touched in a certain place? Or what does it smell like right now? What about tastes or what about sights?
[00:06:12] So sex obviously is a very sensual activity, and just engaging yourself in the moment by using your senses and seeing what's going on in the moment can help you. Another thing that can be done in therapy is systematic desensitization.
[00:06:27] This can especially help for those who are avoiding certain things and want to work to build up to experience those things eventually.
[00:06:35] For example, if there's somebody who is avoiding certain positions, hiding under the covers, wanting to have sex in the dark, you don't want to just be like, fling off all the covers, turn on all the lights, be in all the positions at once. Whee. That's a little too much and can be scary.
[00:06:52] So you'll want to work to building up a hierarchy.
[00:06:55] You can start slow and say, okay, let's first maybe stay in the dark and do just a position you are comfortable with, but under the covers, and then move to, okay, now we're going to take off the covers. And so we're still in the dark and you're still going to.
[00:07:10] We're still in the dark and you're still doing a position you're comfortable with. But this time you are not under the covers. Then the next level could be, okay, the covers are off, and we're turning on the lights now, and you're in a position you're comfortable with. And then finally, the last part that they're working up to could be, okay, now the covers are off, the lights are on, and let's try a position that you've been avoiding.
[00:07:38] Another thing that can be done is working on giving massages to each other. So massaging doesn't mean that There has to be the pressure to lead up to sexual. It's very sensual, it helps you focus on each other's bodies, and it's a way to be mindful in the present moment without necessarily worrying if it leads to sex. If it does, great. If it doesn't, then okay. When giving a massage to each other, it's nice to really focus on the feelings, but also to give compliments. So if somebody's massaging a certain area instead of just giving a. Instead of just giving a general compliment, like, hey, you look beautiful today, you can give a specific compliment like, you smell really nice, I like that perfume. Or this particular body part looks really nice. And of course, exchange the massages. Don't just let it be one sided. Also recommend as another strategy, go online and look at pictures of real humans. Not photoshopped humans, but just real people out in the world. And that will help you realize that everybody has flaws. Some may have professionals to hide those flaws for them or even just filters on the phone, but people do have flaws. And also because a lot of body image concerns with regards to sex have to do with sexual body parts. Look at those body parts, look at real penises online, look at real vaginas and see what these actually look like.
[00:09:03] It's also fun sometimes to go online and Google pictures of celebrities without makeup or pictures of celebrities without Photoshop, because then you can see, yes, even these people who appear perfect are not actually perfect.
[00:09:17] I'm reminded of a quote that Cindy Crawford apparently once said, even I don't wake up in the morning looking like Cindy Crawford. I hope that these tips help you to engage more in your sex life and to deal with poor body image once again. This is Dr. Laura Prescott, Associate professor for the Clinical PsyD Program at the Chicago School of Los Angeles. Thanks for tuning in.
